Someone asked me this in a recent satsang: "Why do I feel so hurt when family or friends don't show up for me the way I expect them to?"

Most of us know that feeling. Something hard happens, and you find out fairly quickly who steps forward, who's just sort of there, and who disappears.

Here's the part that took me a long time to see. They're just getting on with their life, dealing with their own stuff. It doesn't make them bad people. So me expecting everyone to go out of their way to help.. I would say that's not a reasonable expectation. That's me making something up that isn't real. The only one expecting something is me, and it's from that expectation that I'm causing myself to suffer.

So now I try to place people where they actually are. Some belong in the inner circle, some in an outer circle. That's not a punishment, it's just what the relationship is. And when I drop the expectation and let it be whatever it wants to be, I suffer less, and strangely the relationship tends to last longer.

The bit I'd most want you to hear: don't grieve a relationship that's not dead yet. A lot of the time I'm the one quietly cutting it off, and then grieving a loss that never happened. Maybe what we're really grieving is the expectation.. that it could have been a certain way, and it isn't.

Chapters

00:00 Why the same lesson keeps coming back
01:27 The only one expecting is me
02:52 Inner circle, outer circles
03:51 When it's family
05:06 Not there on the way up
06:47 Don't grieve what isn't dead yet
08:17 Grieving the fantasy, not the person
08:51 Nurture what actually shows up

Questions answered in this episode

Why does it hurt so much when friends or family don't show up? Because of the expectation underneath it. The only person holding it is you, which is also why you're the one who can put it down.

Is it unreasonable to expect people to be there for me? Expecting everyone to go out of their way isn't reasonable. It's usually something we made up rather than something anyone agreed to.

Should I cut off family who don't support me? Usually not. Often it's as small as muting some of the conversations, or moving someone to an outer circle without making them wrong for it.

Why am I grieving a friendship that hasn't ended? Because frequently it hasn't. The mind decides "that's it" and pulls away, then grieves something that isn't over.

How do I stop being disappointed by people? Drop the expectation, and turn towards the people who actually show up rather than chasing the ones who don't.

About this episode

This answer came from a live satsang, an open question and answer session Dylan Ayaloo holds every Friday at 6:30pm inside the free Elevate Community on Skool.

Read the full write-up: https://www.dylanayaloo.com/blog/podcast-ep61-when-people-dont-show-up
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